5 Minute Management Course (thanks, Annie)

> Lesson 1:
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> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings.
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> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
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> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
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> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
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> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
> front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
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> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
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> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
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> 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
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> 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
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> Moral of the story:
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> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
> shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
> exposure.
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> Lesson 2:
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> A priest offered a Nun a lift.
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> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
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> The priest nearly had an accident.
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> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
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> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
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> The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
> her leg again.
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> The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
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> The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
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> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
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> and went on her way.
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> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
> said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
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> Moral of the story:
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> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.
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> Lesson 3:
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> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
> when they find an antique oil lamp.
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> They rub it and a Genie comes out.
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> The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
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> 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
> driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
>
> Puff! She's gone.
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> 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
> on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
> and the love of my life.'
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> Puff! He's gone.
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> 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
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> The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
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> lunch.'
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> Moral of the story:
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> Always let your boss have the first say.
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> Lesson 4
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> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
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> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
> nothing?'
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> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
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> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
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> Moral of the story:
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> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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> Lesson 5
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> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
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> 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
> 'but I haven't got the energy.'
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> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
> They're packed with nutrients.'
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> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
> strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
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> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
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> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
> the tree.
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> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree..
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> Moral of the story:
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> Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
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> Lesson 6
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> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
> and fell to the ground into a large field.
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> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
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> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
> how warm he was.
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> The dung was actually thawing him out!
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> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
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> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
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> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
> and promptly dug him out and ate him.
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> Morals of the story:
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> (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
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> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
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> friend.
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> (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
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> your mouth shut!
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> THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE