From UK newspapers

> 1) Commenting on a complaint
> > from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North
> West Gas
> > said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's
> possible Mr Purdey
> > has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that
> destroyed his
> > house." (The Daily Telegraph)
> >
> > 2) Irish police are being handicapped in a
> > search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's
> a Special
> > Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks
> like. (The
> > Guardian)
> >
> > 3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable
> > teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard
> spokesman
> > commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
> >
> > 4) At the
> > height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked
> him to
> > estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
> a gauge.
> > However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
> off the
> > cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
> >
> > 5) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue,
> > Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German
> prisoner of
> > war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at
> the end of
> > 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
> when the
> > crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
> spelt out
> > 'Heil Hitler'".
> > (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
> >
> > A list of actual
> > announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their
> > passengers....
> >
> > 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to
> > your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
> you happen
> > to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over
> to the
> > Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
> >
> > 2) "Your delay this evening
> > is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not
> knowing
> > his elbow from his backside.
> > I'll let you know any further information as
> > soon as I'm given any."
> >
> > 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad
> > news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the
> town and
> > had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
> somewhere
> > between Stratford and Easy Ham, which means we probably won't reach
> our
> > destination.
> >
> > 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but
> > there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore
> stuck here
> > for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it an pass
> some time
> > together. All together now ...... "Ten green bottles, hanging on a
> > wall....."
> >
> > 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can
> > see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
> actually told
> > me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
> things like
> > that."
> >
> > 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
> > these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give
> it to a
> > registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
> >
> > 7) During an extremely
> > hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West
> Indian drawl:
> > "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...
> Unfortunately towels
> > are not provided."
> >
> > 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
> > (....pause). "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see
> if I care -
> > I'm going home..."
> >
> > 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
> > confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct
> and
> > separate instructions.
> >
> > 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming
> > from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not
> mean throw
> > yourself or your bags into the doors."
> >
> > 11) "We can't move off because
> > some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
> >
> > 12) "To the gentleman
> > wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -
> what part of
> > 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."
> >
> > 13) "Please move all
> > baggage away from the doors." (...pause). "Please move ALL belongings
> away from
> > the doors." (...pause). "This is a personal message to the man in the
> brown suit
> > wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down,
> four-eyes, and move
> > your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there
> and shove
> > them up you're a**e sideways!"
> >
> > 14) "May I remind all passengers that
> > there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
> However, if
> > you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the
> rest of the
> > carriage.