Waitrose this week launched what it called "the most luxurious bathroom tissue yet". It contains a "significant" amount of cashmere – the famously warm, soft fibre plucked from the undercoat of a north Asian goat. It is, says a buyer, both "indulgent and stylish" – so you can rest assured that, in the privy at least, you won't be outdone by the fashion pack.
It is now clear that the evolution of loo paper from functional necessity to quilted, moisturising, multi-layered, bias-cut fashion statement is entirely due to the gullibility of the female consumer. No man would be beguiled into thinking life might be better if only he could wipe his bottom on something aloe-coated.
My husband thought me mad when I bought loo roll decorated with reindeer for Christmas. And my father still regards all forms of "soft" paper as a disgraceful indulgence, indicative of a general decline in the national character. His loyalty to the old-fashioned, crispy stuff – which taught generations of public schoolboys to maintain a stiff upper lip – is such that he has a black-market supply of Izal Medicated. He keeps it, for extra authenticity, in the outside lavatory.
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