Steven Wright Classics

If you're not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist  who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." 

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

· I'd  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

· Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

· Half the people you know are below average.

· 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

· 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

· If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

· All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

· The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

· I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.

· OK, so what's the speed of dark?

· How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

· If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

· When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

· Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

· Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

· I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

· If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

· Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked  into jet engines.

· What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

· My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

· Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?

· If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence  that you tried.

· A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking..

· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

· The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

· To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

· The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

· The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

· The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

· Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

· If  at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

· If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work