Clarification by the Catholic

The problem here is that it seems like you are elevating the traditions of men to an equal status with Scripture.

Yes, but that is not new. Scripture has always been considered a part of tradition in the Church. Comparatively, the ideas of Sola Scriptura are relatively new. I should emphasize that, by Tradition, I don't mean trivial stuff. I mean things like the Creeds and the Ecumenical councils, not things decided on the whim of one Bishop (the Pope) or even one area of the Church, but the whole Church deciding things together.

I might not have a problem submitting myself to the authority of the church prior to the Middle Ages, but the Catholic Church went off the deep end after that.

I would submit myself to the authority of the RCC, except that I can't without adhering to all their beliefs, which include some I don't accept (like the Immaculate Conception). It would be a lie. But I'm not specifically referring to them. Usually, when referring to the ancient Church, I have something that most resembles the modern day Orthodox churches in mind. Although I would say this: the Holy Father used to be in authority over all the Western churches. The Bible is very explicit about how we should respond to authority, even that which is not doing what it should. The Protestant movement was one of hubris, not humility. St. Francis is an example of a humble Reformer who didn't divide, but healed.

And lest we forget, there wasn't a universal church when the Orthodox and Catholic churches divided.

Really, even before that. The Copts divided some time before. I entirely accept there were divisions before the Reformation, but they multiplied exponentially afterward. Also, those divided churches pre-Reformation were much closer in theology than Protestant churches are with the ancient Church, or even with each other.

I do not trust in the church because the church is made up of humans. I don't even trust myself, which is why I am willing to constantly evaluate my non-essential beliefs in the light of new evidence. I trust in Christ.

I gots news. The Church is Christ. St. Paul is very clear that we are the Body of Christ. If you don't trust the Church, you aren't trusting Christ. Remember the way Daddy talked about his role as father, placed in authority over us? He was, in a very real sense, Christ to us. This is an awesome responsibility, at which he sometimes failed. Same with the Church.